X-Men: The Last Stand

The third in the X-Men trilogy of superhero/mutant movies, X-Men: The Last Stand finally gives us what we've been waiting 6 years and 3 movies for: an Asian Male Hero.

You know how in the Superbowl -- towards the very end, they get all the benchwarmers who haven't played a single game ALL year -- they get these guys to go on field for 10 seconds so they can say they actually played?

Yeah, that's kinda how it feels to get our very own mutant out there. Still, at least there IS an Asian Male superhero, right?

WRONG.

This guy is evil. Pure, fucking evil. Not just kinda evil, I mean REALLY bad. While the other "evil" mutants are battling soldiers and other mutants, Mr. Porcupine Boy(played by Ken Leung) has to go after unarmed scientists. He's actually the ringleader that kills a defenseless female scientist. WTF???

Oh, let's not forget his superpowers -- he's a fucking PORCUPINE. There's Storm, who can fly and control weather; Cyclops, who has super laser-blast eyes; and Colossus, who is super strong and can turn his body into steel.

There are all these mutants with amazing powers, and WE get motherfucking Porcupine Boy!!!! I mean, it wouldn't be SO bad if he could use his porcupines like projectiles -- then he could be grenade/shrapnel/porcupine boy. No, no, he has to go up to innocent women, give 'em a nice hug, and then penetrate them with his porcupine power.


How fucking lame.

Well, on the plus side, at least Ken Leung 'aint bad looking. And boy -- are there some FUGLY looking mutants out there. Take Kelsey Grammer as the Beast.


Then again, who do you think is gonna get laid first? The fuzzy blue-bear guy, or Mr. FUCKING PORCUPINE BOY??? Think about that for a sec -- or maybe not -- it's too painful.

X-Men: The Last Stand is also a great example of the disparity between the treatment of Asian men and Asian women. Take Kelly Hu from the 2nd X-Men film: X-Men United.


Not only is she strong and sexy, she's also a major character (as opposed to the minor-league status of Porcupine boy). She's the primary nemesis of the main good-guy, Wolverine. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the comic book/ movie, Wolverine is pretty much your most bad-ass X-Men out there -- and is up there with Spiderman in popularity.

Anyway, Kelly Hu plays the EQUAL of Wolverine, whereas Porcupine Boy is... you know, FUCKING PORCUPINE BOY! Furthermore, unlike Mr. Porcupine, Kelly Hu's character is not techically "evil" -- since she's actually under mind control.

Well, to be fair to my Asian sisters out there.. there is a weird submissive-slave (China Doll) aspect to the character played by Kelly Hu (she's been brainwashed by some evil old dude), so it 'aint all roses in that camp either.

Speaking of which -- there actually aren't any good Asians (male OR female) in all THREE of the movies.

Moving along, there's also one tiny 3 second appearance by an Asian Male late in the movie. While the evil mutants are tearing apart the Golden Gate Bridge, we get a glimpse at a tourist/photographer. How TIRED is this joke?


Ooooh, that's gonna cost you some Nerd stars!


Oh, by the way, a big FUCK YOU to director Brett Ratner!